I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.