I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
this is the news I live for
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.