I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.