The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.