rapatouille
You Might Also Like
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”