[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
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Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut