Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
6: are snakes just neck?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!