My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
how to exercise your calf muscles
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
eggs benadryl
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game