friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!