If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you