I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.