[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse