When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.