My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.