Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake