I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The little toadstool has spoken.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it