A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper