Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.