Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up