I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
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my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.