The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
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Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*