Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Need this in my life lol
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]