what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.