[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.