*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?