You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
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fr
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I have never heard an armadillo before.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*