“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*bites zombie*
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.