If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing