DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao