Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
You Might Also Like
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
🤣
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
#parenting
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.