Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…