Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart