7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Bike for sale
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”