Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Aight bet
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it