“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
You Might Also Like
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.