imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔