will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison