Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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sry
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If only.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.