I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
crying
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.