There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.