If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat