Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
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{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily