If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
.. do you even science?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover