If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Fights fire with marshmallows
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids