love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?