Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam