If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣