When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
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me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Breaking news:
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
There are no pants in heaven.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room