Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
This could be us… but you playing
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?