What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…